Wednesday, May 29, 2013

back...back to have a place to whine without anyone asking questions.  I went to visit my DBT friends for coffee at Homers in OP.  I broke down in front of them.  I am fairly despondent today.  One of them told me that maybe I could find happiness in being alone.  I told her I have heard THAT so many times,
that I am ready to punch someone out who
says it next.  I HAVE been alone for 20 years as of June 7...and I just can't do it anymore. 

I was 39 and few months.  I am now 59 and a few...a couple of boyfriends here and there, but no one who stays.  I am always the 'bad guy', the person with the problem they dont want to deal with...nevermind their issues.  *I* am the one who is crazy. 

I just wanna say 'fuck you' to all of them especially TC.  He ruined me...ruined my ability to trust men, to be able to speak up and be myself.  I feel like I will never meet or be able to be with anyone the rest of my life.  I am too young to live without romantic love the rest of my life. 

I don't believe in fate...or god...or karma...or luck...even though I talk about them...curse them.  I used to pray once in a while...of course, not getting anything I wanted; like my dog back, my first boyfreind back, unconditional love...

*sigh*